The Simple Mistake Hosts Make When They Want People to Bond
GIFT RESOURCE:
Guidelines for Military Family Community Events
You can now download a free simple tool to help anyone gathering military families for connection, friendship and support.
Corie Weathers shared with me that over her years as a military spouse, she recognizes real friendships grow in the casual, easy and quiet meetups. So, she helped me craft a resource to form more friendship building events back.
Get the free Military Families Community Events Guidelines Here: www.charlesvogl.com/downloads
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At one holiday event, I remember standing in a cavernous hall filled with noise and strangers.
There were lights, music, and speeches.
But what I wanted most was a real conversation and it felt impossible.
I looked around and thought, “How is anyone supposed to make a friend here?”
That moment reminded me of something fundamental about how we build relationships:
Friendship begins in spaces that allow for connection not just attendance.
Why “Big and Impressive” Isn’t Better
We’ve all been to networking events or mixers where the goal was to “connect.”
But so often, the environment is counterproductive.
Loud music.
Formal stages.
No room to sit in small groups.
And certainly no room to be vulnerable.
Why does this happen?
Because many well-meaning hosts fear that guests will get bored.
To combat this, they overfill the space with entertainment and noise.
But in doing so, they crowd out what’s most essential: space and time for real conversation.
Here’s the truth:
If you want people to connect, you have to create conditions for meaningful moments.
That often means less noise, less spectacle, and more intention.
Designing for Connection, Not Performance
That doesn’t mean you can’t have a big room.
Or a stage.
Or even a DJ.
But it does mean you should also think through the space for quiet conversation.
How are people gathering in small groups?
Is there furniture that encourages face-to-face connection?
Are there tucked-away spots in the park or on the patio where three or four people can linger?
And most importantly: Are you giving people time to connect?
Photos of big, fancy parties may look impressive.
But the heart of friendship is rarely captured in a wide shot.
It’s found in small clusters, over tea, or while sharing what’s been hard lately.
Navigating Different Social Styles
You’ve likely seen it, some guests dive deep in one-on-one chats, while others flutter through the room like energized butterflies.
This isn’t bad.
It’s actually a strength.
Different people build community in different ways.
Some are conveners who gather people into possibly deep and important conversations.
Others are expansionists who work to brief meet many people.
And then there are bridgers who connect across different groups, often helping others access new communities.
Recognizing these patterns helps us see that no single way of connecting is best.
Each has its purpose.
Each plays a role in a healthy, thriving community.
What Hosts Can Do Better
Here’s where intentional hosts shine.
They don’t just throw a party.
They create opportunity.
Let’s say you’re organizing a kickball game.
The game is 90 minutes.
That’s fun but it’s not enough.
What if, afterward, you gathered everyone for cookies and tea?
And then, as host, you invited everyone to huddle in small groups and share:
“What are you handling right now on base?”
Simple.
An opening for vulnerability.
Intentional.
This gives guests permission to move past small talk.
And when you hold space for at least 25 minutes, something magical can happen:
Masks can come off.
The “avataring” fades.
And people begin to show up as they are.
Designing for Belonging
Hosting for connection means:
Creating quieter spaces within the larger event
Planning structured time for meaningful sharing
Offering cues that permit vulnerability
Honoring different social styles
Accepting that deep connection events don't always photograph well
It’s okay if your event doesn’t look “big.”
It’s more important that it feels real when growing friendships.
Reflection
Are you designing gatherings that are built for true connection?
Or are you prioritizing performance over intimacy?
What would change if your next event invited small group time instead of only the big crowd?
The community you long for isn’t built with a lot of noise.
It’s built inside intentional space and time.
Get free resources on building the community you long for at www.charlesvogl.com
