The Firefighter Example: Why Not Everyone Belongs in Every Space
The Boundary Principle: Why Community Requires Exclusion
Many people believe that building a strong community means inviting everyone, all the time, to everything. While this belief comes from a generous and well-meaning place, it's ultimately misguided. Real intimate community often needs boundaries so we can focus and serve the people we're intending to gather. Without a boundary to tell them and us who is on the inside and otherwise, we cannot know who we’re investing in. If we don't know for whom we're investing, we can't make a space appropriate for them and the experiences that support their bonding. A story I learned from a of firefighter offers a powerful illustration of this principle.
The Firefighter Example
Melissa, a former fire captain in New Haven, Connecticut, was the first woman firefighter in the department’s long history. She shared that firefighters develop a dark sense of humor as a way to process the grim and sobering experiences in their professional lives. This humor does not grow to offend. It serves as a coping mechanism that helps them process their work's emotional weight. Melissa also knows that the humor is so dark that outsiders—those who are not firefighters—don't understand it and experience it as disturbing.
Because of this, when firefighters gather, they often keep their insider conversations exclusively among themselves. If even one outsider—such as a firefighter’s spouse—is present, the entire conversational dynamic shifts. This has nothing to do with whether they like the visitor or whether that person is important. It’s simply that the presence of someone who doesn’t share their insider understanding of the humor and emotional challenges rightfully means they need to adapt for the visitor. This is a fantastic example that helps understand how community boundaries are there less to keeping people out than helping to create safe spaces for members. The inside space is where insiders can convene freely and consistently with their shared values, purpose and identity.
The Role of Esoteric Knowledge
Obviously boundary importance extends beyond firefighters. Communities thrive on shared, insider knowledge—what we call esoteric knowledge. This knowledge allows members to experience deeper conversations without explaining foundational concepts to newcomers. An example of this was shared by my friend and colleague Seth Resler. He shared about a New York event called 51st Jokes that features 50 comedians who each tell the first joke they’ve written for the year. Some jokes land; others bomb. The audience if made up of comedians and comedy fans who understand the joke-writing iterative process. They offer constructive reactions that help the performers refine material. This event provides a safe space, built on shared understanding. Bringing in an audience unfamiliar with comedy's messy development would completely change and destroy the event's supportive context.
The Cost of Weak Boundaries
Weak boundaries can dilute meaningful conversations. This idea became clear to me when I was invited to a small gathering of filmmakers at a university. The event was intended as an intimate discussion with an Academy Award-winning documentary filmmaker among experienced filmmakers. However, one attendee brought a friend—a law student—who, unaware of the room’s shared expertise, asked basic questions about revenue models, distribution, and production. While the law student likely found the conversation fascinating, their presence prevented the rest of us from delving into in a higher-level discussion. The event's boundary wasn’t strong enough, and as a result, the event was hijacked. The experienced filmmakers could never get that opportunity back again.
Consider Boundaries Are Not About Growing Exclusion—They’re About Growing Depth
The key takeaway is this: boundaries in community-building are not prioritizing keeping people out because they are unworthy or unimportant. Rather, we uphold them to create spaces where those on the inside can experience connection and growth deeply, safely, and meaningfully. When we set and hold appropriate boundaries, we allow people to connect in ways that would be impossible if we tried to include everyone at all times. Strong communities require discernment about who is in and who is out—not as an act of delightful rejection, but as an act of careful protection and intentionality.
The next time you’re building a community, planning an event, or fostering a conversation, ask yourself: Who is this space really for? And should we and how can we create the boundaries necessary to make it a place of true connection?
Watch the full episode to dive deeper into the Boundary Principle and how it shapes strong communities.
Click here to watch: The Art of Community Conversations Episode 1
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