The Illusion of Community—And What It Really Takes to Build One

The word community evokes a sense of warmth, belonging, and connection. We hear it used to describe workplaces, social groups, and many online spaces. But how often do these so-called communities actually create space for rewarding relationships and mutual care that true community can deliver?

The Boundary Principle: Why Community Requires Exclusion

Many people believe that building a strong community means inviting everyone, all the time, to everything. While this belief comes from a generous and well-meaning place, it's ultimately misguided. Real intimate community often needs boundaries so we can focus and serve the people we're intending to gather. Without a boundary to tell them and us who is on the inside and otherwise, we cannot know who we’re investing in. If we don't know for whom we're investing, we can't make a space appropriate for them and the experiences that support their bonding. A story I learned from a of firefighter offers a powerful illustration of this principle.

The Art of Crafting Conversations That Connect

In a long list of big room events with much entertainment, we often forget the power of a quiet conversation. And, it's within these tranquil moments that the seeds of friendship, mutual support, and personal enrichment are sown. To truly cultivate these connections, we must be intentional about the settings we choose for our interactions. Consider the serenity of parks, the warmth of fire rings, or the cozy corners of quiet coffee shops where you can hear others without distraction —these are the places where powerful relationships take root and flourish.

Charles Vogl’s Work with Google During the Pandemic

Author and researcher Dr. Jessica Grossmeier gained rare permission from Google to discuss some of Charles’ work with the firm during the Covid pandemic. Below is an excerpt from her recent book.

Today I fulfilled a dream, and better yet, I recognized it in the moment.

Up til now, I haven’t discussed publicly that, not quite a year ago and just weeks after Covid isolation became our California lifestyle, I developed concerning symptoms which lead to many weeks of medical testing. Eventually, I found myself waiting for biopsy results that would help me know how much a tumor might threaten my life, or perhaps radically change it. Sitting each evening in quiet prayer, I had time to reflect on what I wanted to leave for my 3 year old son to remember, take, or embrace from our time together to help him grow into a generous and committed man, instead of something based on masculine caricatures.

Recently I've been thinking ever more deeply about how we can use the digital tools we got to help deepen the connections we want during this terrible Covid time. I went back to one of my favorite books, The Mystic Heart by Br. Wayne Teasdale. He reminded me that in spiritual contemplative communities members gather in at least three different ways. He refers to them as the Head, Hand, and Heart.

Hundreds of brands, from Glossier to Starbucks and Walmart to LinkedIn, built transformative and supportive communities in cities around the world from soup to nuts in 2018. Not.

Community leaders who talk to us about building community often envision building to a membership that will eventually fill an arena. Teams at Salesforce, Twitch, and Crossfit have achieved this.

Many people are afraid to erect boundaries around their community. They worry that boundaries can exclude, humiliate, and alienate others. There’s no question that boundaries can be used that way, and, all too often, are. But that doesn't mean that all boundaries are bad.

This month, I worked with someone who works for an elected official in a major US city.

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If you haven’t seen the film, “Kubu and the 2 Strings”, this post contains a lot of spoilers.

When leaders ask me how to make their community stronger, the first question that jumps to my mind is, “Do your people know that they belong?”

I understand why many leaders I talk to seem to be afraid of creating boundaries. They don't want to emulate the jerks they've met who create elitist, snobby, almost pointless boundaries simply to keep others out.

One of my most magical memories is from when I was about 29 years old and moonlight surfing on Waikiki Beach with my cousin Kelly Chang and dear friend Hugh Khim.

I grew up in Southern California, but most of my extended family lived in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Just this morning, I reached out to many friends to invite them to dinner at our house tomorrow night.

This week Victor Jimenez hosted me for a conversation for entrepreneurs on building cultures of belonging. 

Every community leader that I meet with wants to tell me about the values of his or her organization.

It almost doesn’t matter what you see and think it means.